i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
