I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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