My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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