K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
