I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
