Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
