My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
