She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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