I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
