Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
