What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
