You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
