I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
this will be a night to untag.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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