woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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