If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
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