thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
