I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
