Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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