mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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