We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
