I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
