I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
PANTIES FOUND
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