It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
