I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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