I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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