yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
