It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
