oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
