Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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