Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
