I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
