i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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