Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
