i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
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You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
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Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)