They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
ugly people sure do ruin things
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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