you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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