im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
