What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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