boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
