We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
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