I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
