well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
