I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
