Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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