Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
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