Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
