quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
