He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
All the doctor said was why
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
