Who wears a wallet chain?!
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
My dick has a subreddit
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Randomize
