Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
