If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
