Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
