Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
