when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
